F-E-A-R

"I remember you. This feeling isn't new. So please don't be scared of me. Please don't be scared of me." --Drake, "Fear"

Fear. It's a human emotion. It's one that we all experience at some point in our life, but rarely do we admit that we are in fact afraid. We'll offer remedies about what to do to battle fear, how hope lives within us all and that if you remain afraid, you will only stand in your own way. While it is true that fear can consume you if you let it, that doesn't make it any less real.

Lately I've been experiencing fear. In waves. It waxes and wanes like the tide, and isn't always a daily occurrence but it seems to be propelling me forward. Drawing me closer and closer to December 20th.

So why am I afraid? Where is this fear coming from?

I graduate from college on December 20th. Finally, after four and a half years of blood, sweat and tears, I will have a bachelor's degree. Great. Only problem is...where do I go from here?
The easy answer is out into the workforce. I know that I would like to go back to school, but going right away isn't an option for me, and frankly I can't take anymore of school. I need a break..my brain hurts.

So here I am, it's October and I'm planning my triumphant entry into the workforce. Yes, I said triumphant because in spite of my fear I remain hopelessly optimistic. I remember back in May when a lot of my friends were graduating they were all telling me how fortunate I am to be graduating in December. "you can ride out some of this recession" they said. "Things will be so much better by then" they told me.

Whelp, here we are in the midst of one of the worst job markets ever. Executives are getting laid off. What makes you think a company would create an entry level position when they can have an intern or student worker for half the cost? But that is the least of my worries. In fact, that is not really what I am afraid of.

I'm afraid of my career aspirations. Yes, I am afraid of what I have chosen to do with the rest of my life. And somehow, I have to let this fear propel me forward, make me hungry, keep me hungry, let it inspire me.

What I really want to do is have a career in the arts as an arts administrator and have a career in the music business. I believe I'm capable of doing both. But sometimes I get afraid. I become afraid of the dreams that I have because they're so big, they seem larger than life sometimes. I'm afraid because I know that I am going to be taking a paycut compared to my peers when I graduate all because I can't see myself doing anything else. I don't care if I take a job that only pays $20,000 a year if it's what I want to do. Shoot, I will be someones intern when I graduate...I don't care. But honestly, that doesn't make me any less afraid.

I've already started to make sacrifices to plan for my future and go after what I want. I moved back home so I wouldn't have to buy groceries and pay rent. I drive back and forth from Baltimore County to P.G. county everyday. I'm taking 15 credits and working 20 hours a week, and sometimes I can't help but feel afraid. Sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is in vain, because nothing is guaranteed.

I'm graduating from college with a liberal arts degree. Sometimes I get annoyed when people, after I tell them my major, assume that I can't do anything with that degree. My degree is just a piece of paper that said that I worked hard, and I learned, and I'm capable of doing work. My paper is no different or less valuable than yours.

So this is my opportunity to vent, because I really needed to get this all out into the universe. I believe that hard work pays off, and that you should make sacrifices for the things you love, but I honestly can't help but feel fear every now and then...